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    Friday, December 02, 2005

    Killer Squirrels

    It has been brought to my attention by "English Bob" that there are currently "Killer Squirrels" inhabiting the forests of Russia. We must keep these so called "Black Squirrels of Death" from entering our country. While our scientists do believe that the black squirrels will be made more docile once they mate with our superior grey squirrels, this is only if they can keep themselves from attacking and eating the grey squirrels. So be diligent, keep an eye on the little bastards. Let them know that you know what they’re up to. Then they’ll know that you know that they know that you have you’re eye on them. It's all fun and games until you get your face chewed off, slowly, by small rodents with cute tails.

    8 comments:

    buckfelty said...

    This is just another disturbing example of mainstream media bias.

    Black Squirrels are not "killers" but have been raised in a society and environment that doesn't recognize them as squirrels or afford them the same opportunities as the so-called "gentler" (and we all know what THAT MEANS) Grey Squirrel. Did you know that there are almost double the amount of easily accessible bird feeders and garbage piles in Black Squirrel communities than in Grey Squirrel communities? Sure, the Grey Squirrels will let the Black Squirrels clean their nests, gather their acorns for them, and even babysit their kids, and they'll even listen to Black Squirrel music and watch Black Squirrel chases, but will they treat them as equals? Well, I think we all know the answer to that.

    Fabricationist said...

    That's a nicely worded piece of leftist squirrel crap.

    While all this may very well be true in your liberal squirrel world, all we need them to do is get their nuts off. As everyone knows, once a grey squirrel gets a little black squirrel action, all bets are off. Those black squirrels "kill" in more ways than one. The new generation will be a well mixed middle class charcoal squirrel that everyone can enjoy without worrying about whether or not they're walking past the "good" part of the forest. I'm trying to be a uniter here, not a divider.

    english bob said...

    Let's not forgotten the imperialist agression of the gray squirrels against the reds.

    The 'red' thing isn't just about their color you know.

    What do we want?

    Fairer distribution of nut resources!

    When do we want it?

    NOW!

    mike said...

    I have an easy, natural and effective solution to the were-squirrel problem. We should stop the wheat shipments to Russia temporarily and let both the human and squirrel populations come to a new equilibrium. Either the squirrels will eat the Russians or the Russians will eat the squirrels. I'm betting on the squirrels.

    mike said...

    Here is the justice meted out to do-gooding squirrel-huggers:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/12/02/AR2005120201698.html

    buckfelty said...

    I guess, Fabricationist, you are suggesting that all squirrels be more like this...

    http://www.sugarbushsquirrel.com/

    Fabricationist said...

    Buck, you wound me with your moralizing. I would never wish that fate on any squirrel. Humiliating dress-up is for humans. God I weep for that poor thing. It’s like he got rescued by that woman out of MISERY.

    buckfelty said...

    your sugarbushsquirrel calendar is in the mail. merry xmas